I was reading a short article in the HBR today that was talking about flattery in the workplace. There's a decent amount of research about the effect of flattery on the flatter-ee. The general consensus seems to be that the compliment will elicit a positive response that will probably be undermined if the person who is being flattered is aware of an ulterior motive. Well all of this makes sense, but it got me thinking. It seems to me that there's a fine line between acknowledging a person's strengths and complimenting them. So which would be more important in the workplace?
Let's look at flattery first. No one can deny that we all like to be told good things about ourselves, but flattery tends to have a negative connotation (and there is probably an argument that it's stronger for women). I've been a middle-school girl before, and I know as well as anybody the "Oh, your shirt is cute" or "Your hair looks really nice today!"trap. These simple comments could mean anything from "I wish I was you" to "That shirt is hideous, and I'm real glad you're the one wearing it, not me" to "I really hate you". Nobody knows what to think when they're on the receiving end of one of these! Yeah, sure there's a positive reaction, but unless it's coming from someone you know, trust, and love, there's always a part of you that questions what exactly the meaning of that statement is. The point is that flattery can only go so far. Generally the effects are short-lived, and the only thing it generates is a good feeling about yourself mixed with a solid dose of doubt.
The interesting thing about this though, is that flattery is so common in teams. People hand out compliments in an attempt to get others to like them, to help others feel better if they're having a bad day, or even just to be nice. A lot of times, the intent is a good one, but clearly, it doesn't always have the maximal positive effect.
I'm arguing that there's a better way to foster good relationships in a team, especially in the workplace. Trust is such a huge part of success in these situations, that throwing around "nice skirt" and "you look so tan!"s can have the opposite effect you're working towards if taken the wrong way. Instead, acknowledging a person's specific accomplishments can create a better response directly, but also will draw the team closer by eliciting mutual respect. Saying "The fact that you showed research from both sides in your presentation really strengthened your argument" instead of "I really enjoyed your PowerPoint" can make a huge difference. First off, you're showing that you've thought about what they've done. Secondly, the specificity and objectivity of your comments shows that the only intent here is essentially to give a "job well done". Not only are you showing the person respect instead of mere flattery, but they will respect you for being attentive to important details - things they probably considered.
Ultimately, honesty is the key. The people we work with should be given feedback when they do a good job. Searching for opportunities to "make them feel better" will only undermine what we genuinely say to them in the future. Making the primary goal respect and acknowledgment instead of a smile and thank-you can go a long way towards building stronger, more trusting relationships in teams.
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